Am I Enough

I just read this blog post, Am I Enough, I started reading with an expectation of smiling but also rolling my eyes in a "oh good, another post affirming that it's alright if the house is still messy at the end of the day" kind of way (which is admittedly silly and prideful).  But it really touched me.

My daughter is everything to me.  I'm overwhelmed by how much I love her, how grateful I am to be in her life, and how much joy there is in seeing her learn and grow.

But what really brought my heart to my throat is the ache of wanting my adopted children to be with me now.  Jed and I have talked about adoption since we were engaged and we had our first meeting with a representative of the Utah Foster Care Foundation in March.  We're still a year or two away from becoming licensed to foster/adopt- but I feel so strongly that this is the direction for our family to go.  I love where our family is at right now and want to enjoy it.  We had talked about adopting before having any biological children but I will forever be grateful to have had this time at home with Mae.  She may be the only baby I have from infancy and I have cherished every day we've been together.  That said, I'm so sure she's going to have older siblings.  They've already carved out a piece of my heart My heart has already expanded to include a love for them and it's such a strange dissonance to pray for their peace and safety; but to realize that they'll be coming to our family because of loss and pain and probably abuse and neglect.

I think that's why her blog post hit me so hard.  There's too much suffering in this world and an unfair amount of it is on children who grow up feeling like they will never be enough.  There's a sadness for all of them, but also an ache for the one, or two, or three that may join our family.  I want to hold them and help them to know that they are amazing, beautiful, smart, capable, and full of infinite worth and potential.

Oh God, let them know they're loved.  Help them know that someone is waiting and aching for them.

Dye all the wraps! Alright, maybe start with one...

Today, I crafted.  This isn't something I do often, but it was a lot of fun.

Supplies:

• wrap (I'm dying my DIY osnaburg shorty)
• gloves- so you don't burn(?) your hands with the soda ash or dye your fingers
• 1 cup soda ash
• dye- Tulip brand "sunshine yellow" and "aqua"
• 3 cups salt

Step 1

Fold wrap accordion style (I did 3rds), and roll somewhat loosely.  I used a straight pin to hold the end in place when I finished 

Step 2

Combine 1 cup soda ash with 1 gallon warm water.  Soak wrap for 20 minutes.

Step 2

Wring out wrap so it's damp but not dripping

Step 3

Combine 1.5 cups salt, 1 packet yellow dye, and 3 quarts warm water.  Mix so most of salt and dye is dissolved

Step 4

Put wrap in a bucket (like a roll of toilet paper sitting on it's end), add the yellow so it covers about 2/3 of the wrap. The wrap may slip as it gets wet and heavy, I used a wooden spoon to help prop it up and also just held it a lot of the time and moved it frequently to try and get the dye to be even.  Leave it in the dye for ~20 minutes.

Step 5

Wring wrap and rinse bucket

Step 6

Repeat steps 3-5 with aqua dye

I wonder if it would have stayed this vibrant if I'd let it sit overnight before rinsing

Step 7

Let colors "cure" for 30 min- 24 hours (the longer the color just sits the more vibrant your color should be.  I only waited 30 minutes)

Step 8

Rinse wrap in sink or tub until no dye (or very little dye) is being washed off

Step 9

Wash and dry in the washing machine

Birth Story- short version

When I was pregnant, I read dozens of birth stories.  I really appreciated that women took the time to write their stories and share them.  It's taken me more than 7 months, but I've finally written mine.  This is the condensed version, you can read the absurdly long longer version here.  If you're expecting, know that you can do this.  Women have been having babies for a really long time and your body is capable and strong.

Short/time-line version

Thursday

3:00 p.m.- Midwife sweeps membrane

7:00 p.m.- Try to start labor- long walk, smooches, etc.

9:00 p.m. - Start losing mucus plug

Friday

2:00 a.m.- Wake up with “this is different!” contractions, go back to sleep

6:00 a.m.- Wake up for the day, get ready, head to work

7:00-12:00- Surprisingly busy work day.  When I paused, I noticed the uncomfortable contractions, but when working they weren’t too distracting.

12:00- Went to yoga

1:00- Walk home, call the midwife to let her know that something may be happening

3:00- Dad and Mom come by and visit and time contractions, lend great support, and make dinner

5:30- Jed comes home from work and we labor at home, mom and dad head home soon after

7:00- Labor in the tub, Shannon comes to help

8:00- Check into the hospital

9:30- Get to our L&D room

Saturday

2:00 a.m.- Start pushing

2:30- See the head!

3:30- Still pushing!

4:00- Meet our baby girl!

4:30- Go to OR for stitches

6:30 a.m.- Return to baby and husband and get some sleep

Where does the time go?

Maeby is already 6 months old!  Mae came out screaming- just so full of energy and life, wide-eyed and curious.  She just keeps learning and growing.  She's very social right now- whether we're at church, or the grocery story, or the library, she likes to watch the people around her (especially other babies and small children) and she'll often just grin at them.  Adults don't just look at other adults and keep smiling until they notice them, so I think people find it refreshing.  I feel so blessed to watch this little girl brighten other's days.  And wow, every day I feel so blessed to be with her myself.

 Granted, there are several times a day that I eagerly await her nap time so I can take a break; but she enchants me.  One day last week I needed her to take a nap, I was exhausted and she was not resting.  She went to sleep and I started to make myself some lunch.  She had been awake for hours and I was expecting this to be a good 1.5-2 hour nap.  She slept for 18 minutes.  I almost cried.  I picked her up and laid her on her playmat thinking "I just need a minute" and sat on the couch with my lunch.  I realized she was looking at me and when I looked up she just GRINNED and started making happy baby noises- and gave me the energy I needed to keep being a happy, supportive mommy.

Daddy holding Maeby at the hospital

Daddy holding our smiley girl

She is so much fun.

The first sponge bath at home

Sitting up, yo!

Mae has tried oat cereal, apples, oranges, mangoes,  pineapple, and carrots.  She can sit unassisted for several minutes, roll from back-to-stomach and from stomach-to-back, and stand when holding mom or dad's hands (or a chair, or her playyard, or the couch...).  She also does some funny "baby crunches" when she wants to be picked up or see something at her feet when she's laying down.  Any time she has an especially difficult time sleeping or seems grumpy, we think she's cutting a tooth- but we haven't seen any yet.

This is the life!