What. the. hell.
There's no hell. No heaven. Not physically anyway. Nothing matters. But it does... Meh.
I was a mormon, a damn good mormon, for twenty-five years. I was baptized at eight, began memorizing scriptures, went to girls camp, three hours of church each Sunday, activities, devotionals, seminary, personal study, baptisms for the dead, dressed modestly, tried to serve others, patriarchal blessing, paying a full 10% tithe, "young single adult" activities (so many), watching and taking notes during general conferences, five years of institute, visiting teaching, married at 20 in the temple, regular temple worship, accepting and "magnifying" callings, more personal study, child at 22...
I was engaged when I was 19.
Pregnant at 21.
I had my first glass of wine three months ago. I am twenty-five years old.
I've always had a path. A very clear direction of how to live. I believed in God. I loved him. But there was so much cognitive dissonance. So much double speak and contradictions. I continually put touchy subjects on the back burner until it got so full that everything caught on fire.
I am angry. I am sad. I feel deceived. I feel a little bit liberated and a lot of bit terrified.
In hindsight it all seems like so much, but I enjoyed it. I believed it- being active in the church wasn't a burden because I was working for a higher purpose. There's still purpose, but it's not as straightforward. One of the things that first frustrated me with the LDS church was how it dealt in absolutes- black and white.
Now I'm working with so many, many colors. It's beautiful. But I'm learning, and sometimes the colors get so muddled I'm left with this ugly brown.
I'm so uncomfortable. I'm relearning how to exist? There's a disconnect between my LDS family and friends that sucks. Suuuucks.
