Freaking Out

What the hell?

What. the. hell.

There's no hell.  No heaven. Not physically anyway. Nothing matters. But it does... Meh.

I was a mormon, a damn good mormon, for twenty-five years.  I was baptized at eight, began memorizing scriptures, went to girls camp, three hours of church each Sunday, activities, devotionals, seminary, personal study, baptisms for the dead, dressed modestly, tried to serve others, patriarchal blessing, paying a full 10% tithe, "young single adult" activities (so many), watching and taking notes during general conferences, five years of institute, visiting teaching, married at 20 in the temple, regular temple worship, accepting and "magnifying" callings, more personal study, child at 22...

I was engaged when I was 19.

Pregnant at 21.

I had my first glass of wine three months ago.  I am twenty-five years old.

I've always had a path.  A very clear direction of how to live.  I believed in God.  I loved him.  But there was so much cognitive dissonance.  So much double speak and contradictions.  I continually put touchy subjects on the back burner until it got so full that everything caught on fire.

I am angry.  I am sad.  I feel deceived.  I feel a little bit liberated and a lot of bit terrified.

In hindsight it all seems like so much, but I enjoyed it.  I believed it- being active in the church wasn't a burden because I was working for a higher purpose.  There's still purpose, but it's not as straightforward.  One of the things that first frustrated me with the LDS church was how it dealt in absolutes- black and white. 

Now I'm working with so many, many colors. It's beautiful.  But I'm learning, and sometimes the colors get so muddled I'm left with this ugly brown.

I'm so uncomfortable.  I'm relearning how to exist? There's a disconnect between my LDS family and friends that sucks. Suuuucks. 

Am I Enough

I just read this blog post, Am I Enough, I started reading with an expectation of smiling but also rolling my eyes in a "oh good, another post affirming that it's alright if the house is still messy at the end of the day" kind of way (which is admittedly silly and prideful).  But it really touched me.

My daughter is everything to me.  I'm overwhelmed by how much I love her, how grateful I am to be in her life, and how much joy there is in seeing her learn and grow.

But what really brought my heart to my throat is the ache of wanting my adopted children to be with me now.  Jed and I have talked about adoption since we were engaged and we had our first meeting with a representative of the Utah Foster Care Foundation in March.  We're still a year or two away from becoming licensed to foster/adopt- but I feel so strongly that this is the direction for our family to go.  I love where our family is at right now and want to enjoy it.  We had talked about adopting before having any biological children but I will forever be grateful to have had this time at home with Mae.  She may be the only baby I have from infancy and I have cherished every day we've been together.  That said, I'm so sure she's going to have older siblings.  They've already carved out a piece of my heart My heart has already expanded to include a love for them and it's such a strange dissonance to pray for their peace and safety; but to realize that they'll be coming to our family because of loss and pain and probably abuse and neglect.

I think that's why her blog post hit me so hard.  There's too much suffering in this world and an unfair amount of it is on children who grow up feeling like they will never be enough.  There's a sadness for all of them, but also an ache for the one, or two, or three that may join our family.  I want to hold them and help them to know that they are amazing, beautiful, smart, capable, and full of infinite worth and potential.

Oh God, let them know they're loved.  Help them know that someone is waiting and aching for them.

Dye all the wraps! Alright, maybe start with one...

Today, I crafted.  This isn't something I do often, but it was a lot of fun.

Supplies:

• wrap (I'm dying my DIY osnaburg shorty)
• gloves- so you don't burn(?) your hands with the soda ash or dye your fingers
• 1 cup soda ash
• dye- Tulip brand "sunshine yellow" and "aqua"
• 3 cups salt

Step 1

Fold wrap accordion style (I did 3rds), and roll somewhat loosely.  I used a straight pin to hold the end in place when I finished 

Step 2

Combine 1 cup soda ash with 1 gallon warm water.  Soak wrap for 20 minutes.

Step 2

Wring out wrap so it's damp but not dripping

Step 3

Combine 1.5 cups salt, 1 packet yellow dye, and 3 quarts warm water.  Mix so most of salt and dye is dissolved

Step 4

Put wrap in a bucket (like a roll of toilet paper sitting on it's end), add the yellow so it covers about 2/3 of the wrap. The wrap may slip as it gets wet and heavy, I used a wooden spoon to help prop it up and also just held it a lot of the time and moved it frequently to try and get the dye to be even.  Leave it in the dye for ~20 minutes.

Step 5

Wring wrap and rinse bucket

Step 6

Repeat steps 3-5 with aqua dye

I wonder if it would have stayed this vibrant if I'd let it sit overnight before rinsing

Step 7

Let colors "cure" for 30 min- 24 hours (the longer the color just sits the more vibrant your color should be.  I only waited 30 minutes)

Step 8

Rinse wrap in sink or tub until no dye (or very little dye) is being washed off

Step 9

Wash and dry in the washing machine