Am I Enough

I just read this blog post, Am I Enough, I started reading with an expectation of smiling but also rolling my eyes in a "oh good, another post affirming that it's alright if the house is still messy at the end of the day" kind of way (which is admittedly silly and prideful).  But it really touched me.

My daughter is everything to me.  I'm overwhelmed by how much I love her, how grateful I am to be in her life, and how much joy there is in seeing her learn and grow.

But what really brought my heart to my throat is the ache of wanting my adopted children to be with me now.  Jed and I have talked about adoption since we were engaged and we had our first meeting with a representative of the Utah Foster Care Foundation in March.  We're still a year or two away from becoming licensed to foster/adopt- but I feel so strongly that this is the direction for our family to go.  I love where our family is at right now and want to enjoy it.  We had talked about adopting before having any biological children but I will forever be grateful to have had this time at home with Mae.  She may be the only baby I have from infancy and I have cherished every day we've been together.  That said, I'm so sure she's going to have older siblings.  They've already carved out a piece of my heart My heart has already expanded to include a love for them and it's such a strange dissonance to pray for their peace and safety; but to realize that they'll be coming to our family because of loss and pain and probably abuse and neglect.

I think that's why her blog post hit me so hard.  There's too much suffering in this world and an unfair amount of it is on children who grow up feeling like they will never be enough.  There's a sadness for all of them, but also an ache for the one, or two, or three that may join our family.  I want to hold them and help them to know that they are amazing, beautiful, smart, capable, and full of infinite worth and potential.

Oh God, let them know they're loved.  Help them know that someone is waiting and aching for them.

Wearing Pants to Church

I believe in Christ.  I believe he lives and that he loves everyone.  His gospel is all about love; not an abstract love, but a love of God and love of every individual.  He truly is mindful of individuals and asks us to follow him. 

I want to share the gospel because I see how blessed my life is.  When I choose to trust Christ, he becomes my foundation and my strength on which I can rely.  This testimony helps me face challenges with hope and face success with humility.  He teaches me every day how I can be forgiving of my self and others, appreciate where I’m at in my development, and strive to be more patient, kind, loving and happy.  Life isn’t easy but I’m learning to appreciate the rough spots that give life added beauty and meaning.  The gospel of Jesus Christ makes my life rich- it adds value to my relationships and every day interactions with the world around me.

The scriptures state, “for this is my work and my glory- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39) and also “men are that they might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25).  I have not done enough to share the gospel, but I want to start, because I know that in this turbulent world I have peace and joy by following the Savior. 

Wearing pants to church is a small thing and I know I need to do more to share the gospel.  But I also know there are many women who leave the church because when they express feelings of or questions concerning inequality they receive glares and reprimands from other ward members rather than love and support in finding answers.  We are asked to sustain and follow our leaders, but we are not asked to do so blindly. We’re encouraged to ask questions, seek answers, and develop our testimony: “Therefore, ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you” (3 Nephi 27:29). 

I hope that by wearing pants today I’ll have the opportunity to support those women who struggle with questions surrounding the relationship between gender equality, gender roles, and church leadership; to show them that they aren’t alone and that they are welcome and wanted.    

             A note from my husband Jed: I am also wearing pants today, but I always wear pants to church. However, I am wearing a purple shirt. Purple was the color used by suffragists early in the 1900s when trying to obtain the right to vote for women. I support my wife and others who are expressing themselves in this way. I also believe in the gospel and this church and welcome everyone to join in its blessings.